


To say the truth I always wanted you

by Twykad



Series: Malec Week 2017 [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Shadowhunter!Magnus, Warlock!Alec, hurt comfort, winged!Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-10-30 19:29:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10883418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twykad/pseuds/Twykad
Summary: Malec week! day 6: switch!After living for centuries, Alec doesn't want to fall in love again





	1. Chapter 1

Many people in this world think that immortality is a gift; they dream of living for ever and ever, seeing the Earth grow and die. Humans even seek it.  They try to find a cure to mortality, making up some crazy theories on how the human species should be immortal and how death is an abnormality. They are stupid. Immortality isn’t a gift, it’s a burden.

Alec has always hated being a warlock, he has seen so many loved one die he has lost the count. Some have been executed for loving another man, some have been tortured, some have died from stupid disease with non-existent cure and some had left him. Alec could do anything, he is always left alone, left behind with his own heavy eternity. 

“Never again. Never again I will be heartbroken like that.” He had thought the day he decided to close himself for good. He has learnt his lesson. Never again he will allow himself to fall in love.

Or so he thought.

 

It’s late when he receives the fire message from the Institute and Alec rolls his eyes because he deeply hates shadowhunters, so arrogant and proud and honestly, he just wants to take a warm bubble bath and go to bed. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet, one of them is exception and his name is Magnus Bane. They had met when the Institute had needed some special spell and Magnus had been the one who went to him. Magnus is different from the others: he wear makeup and extravagant clothes, has nail polish and coloured strike in his hair and he is actually nice. He treats Alec like an equal and had even taken his defense when some stupid recrue had called him a demon. He even compliments Alec’s wings at every occasions. Alec almost smiled, thinking about the nephilim’s shameless flirt. But he wouldn’t let himself love him nonetheless. Alec purses his lips and decides to read the message, saying goodbye to his bath and hoping that it would worth it and that, at least, he will see Magnus.

The message is brief and Alec gulps when he reads it, one of the nephilims has been seriously hurt and needs his help, otherwise, he will die. Maybe he doesn’t like the shadowhunters, but he wouldn’t let one die. Not like that. Alec closes his eyes for a second, praying for the injured to be anyone but the nephilim he holds dearly in his heart, and then deeply sighs before opening a portal.

It’s Magnus’ friends, Catarina and Tessa who open the door to him and from the tears in their eyes, Alec immediately knows; his prayers hadn’t been answered.

 

“Where is he?” He asks.

 

They don’t answer, just make sign for him to follow them and he finds himself running with them. 

When he enters the infirmary, Alec breath hitches. The shadowhunter is lying flat on his back, a large wound going from his left shoulder, crossing his chest to his stomach. The warlock hurries to the other man’s side.

 

“EVERYONE OUT !” He yells.

 

They all obey, hurrying to the exist as Alec flick his fingers, purple magic coming out of his palms. He can’t lose Magnus, not now. He is his first friend since Jace and Izzy. He is the first person he allows himself to be close to since almost a century and he doesn’t want to lose that, not now. Honestly Alec knows his feelings for the young man have changed, but not allowing himself to love doesn’t take off the fear of loss.

It takes hours and almost all Alec’s magic and energy to heal the Magnus and though the warlock needs a serious rest he leaves immediately after he makes sure that the shadowhunter will make it. But as he goes through the Institute’s exit door, he promises himself one thing. No matter what happens now, he must not contact or see Magnus. He must forget him before it’s too late. He will keep his distances.

 

And Alec does. He doesn’t even answer calls nor read the man’s texts so he is only mildly surprised when the nephilim actually shows up at his door. Magnus’ eyes are full of anger and confusion.

 

“Oh he’s alive!” Magnus exclaims.

“Magnus…”

“What?! Care telling me why you are avoiding me? Ignoring me even!”

“I think we shouldn’t see each others anymore, Magnus. This isn’t right.”

 

The nephilim’s brows furrows.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Alec shakes his head. How could Magnus understand?

 

“Alexand-”

“It’s Alec.”

“I thought we had something,  _ Alexander _ .”

“You thought wrong.”

“No I didn’t!”

“I think you should leave.”

“I know you feel what I feel Alec.”

“Magnus.” Alec growled menacingly.

“Don’t do this, please… We could have so much, I’m sure you know it too.”

“But maybe I don’t want it. Have you even think about it Magnus?! Have you?!”

 

Alec breathes heavily, purple sparks escaping from his fingers.

 

“Then why did you save me?!” Magnus yells

“The Institute called, that’s why !”

“But-”

“Did it even cross your mind that I don’t want to love you?!” 

Magnus flinches and hurt and tears fill his eyes. A weird deeply sad grimace takes place on his face and it’s the last thing Alec sees before the shadowhunter turns his back and leave. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... yeah, it will be a 3 parts fiction in the end XD (maybe more ? if I feel like it.)

Alec had like to think that rejecting Magnus, pushing him away, would save him from heartbreak but he now realises he was wrong, so wrong. It already happened three days ago and yet, every time he closes his eyes, he sees the pain and the tears on Magnus’ eyes, he sees his mouth twitching downward as sadness overwhelms him, he sees the young shadowhunter’s heart shattering as he lashes out harsh words to him. Why is everything always so complicated in the warlock’s life? Why can’t he stop himself from feeling? Why can’t he stop missing Magnus?

‘Put yourself together Alec, it’s for the best and you know it.’ He thinks to himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breathe. He magics himself a strong cup of coffee from, in his opinion, the best coffee shop in the world, takes his favourite book and sinks into his favourite armchair. He’d do anything to forget the beautiful golden skinned shadowhunter, to not think anymore about the glitters on his hair and eyelids and the deep colour of his eyes, to not hear his rich and smooth voice and melodic laugh and how it sounds when he calls him Alexander, to forget how kind, how perfect he almost is.

Alec snaps out of his thoughts and curses himself. It’s frustrating how Magnus won’t disappear from his mind and the warlock wishes he could magic him far far away. He has no doubt about how Jace would mock him and how Izzy would insist to let Magnus a chance if they were here. He sighs, he could really use their disguised advice right now. But they aren’t here, never will be again, Alec is on his own and he wishes again he was mortal, just like them. The warlock wraps his wings around himself and shivers. He used to hate them. They are not threatening like warlocks marks often are.and though they  _ are _ soft  they don’t bring any warmth no, they are cold as snow, icy even. They aren’t of any impressionable or incredible colour, they aren’t black or red or blue… They are white, almost translucent with blue and purple iridescence like a moonstone. Magnus had told him he loves them, that he finds them gorgeous and angelic and that they must be a wonder during summer. Alec usually doesn’t let anyone touch his wings and yet he had let Magnus stroke them back then. Magnus’ hands are warm and gentle and it felt amazing. If he closes his eyes, Alec can almost feel Magnus’ fingers brushing his feathers.

A loud knock on his door startles him and the warlock groans. He doesn’t want to see anyone today, he wants to stay in his armchair with coffee, feeling sorry for himself. He first decides to not move and wait for the intruder to leave by themselves but when the person behind the door continues knocking with insistence, Alec groans again and goes opening the door. He doesn’t know what he was expecting but it certainly wasn’t Magnus’ friend, Catarina. Alec notices immediately that she looks infuriated and he has no doubt it’s because of him.  It’s not a secret that the beautiful shadowhunter is very protective toward her friends. 

 

“What do you want, shadowhunter?” He asks.

“Oh so we’re not on a name basis anymore?” She says raising a brow.

“What do you want from me Catarina?”

“We need to talk. About Magnus.”

“No.” Alec answers, dismissive. “We really don’t.”

 

She snorts and makes her way inside, of course she does. Alec could have stop her but he doesn’t and follows her instead. She sits on the couch, and crosses her arms. The light of the living room reflects on her white hair and Alec admires an instant the contrast it does with her dark skin. He sighs and makes a cup of tea appearing in front of her as he refills his own cup with coffee. 

 

“Explain.” Catarina asks cooly.

“There is nothing to explain.”

“Isn’t there? I mean, Magnus is a mess since he’s back from  _ your _ house and you think that you breaking his heart, when he already suffered enough because of the bigoted world we, shadowhunters, live in, doesn’t deserve an explanation?”

“You wouldn’t understand. None of you.”

“I’ve seen how you look at him.”

“You’ve seen wrong.”

“Why can’t you admit it?!”

“And why can’t you just let it go?! He will get over it and find someone else so don’t you worry shadowhunter, he will be fine.”

“You’re… You’re such an asshole… I can’t believe it.”

 

Alec looks away, shameful. He knows that, he knows it. And maybe that's the most painful part but he won't admit nor deny it. He let out an annoyed sigh. He wants this to stop before he breaks down and he can already feel sparks of magic escaping his fingers. He wants Catarina to leave him alone already. He stays silent hoping she will get the message but she doesn't move either and the warlock can feel the shadowhunter’s eyes studying him. 

 

“You care about him.”

 

It’s not a question, it's a statement. Alec looks back fiercely her and their eyes meet. 

 

“Why don't you let him a chance Alec?”

“This is none of your business.”

“I believe it is, somehow.”

“Then I suggest you stop believing and leave my house right now. Or I’ll have to make you myself.” Alec threatens, almost growling.

“What do you risk doing it? Nothing! Magnus is a good person and he doesn't deserve half of the shit he’s going through because of  _ you _ !”

“SHUT UP! You know nothing, NOTHING ! How  _ dare _ you talking to me like that?! How  _ dare _ you assuming things you don't know shit about?!”

“Al-”

“Get out.”

“But-”

“GET. OUT!”

 

Catarina purses her lips and get up. Alec doesn't even walk her to the door.

 

“At least talk to him. Out of everyone he is the one who deserves an explanation.”

“OUT!”

  
The door is slammed behind the female shadowhunter and Alec let his emotions submerging him. He knows she is right, he owes the truth to Magnus so he knows it's not his fault and understands he deserves better than an old moody warlock afraid of getting his heart broken. So much better. Angry balls of magic go flying to the room destroying any fragile thing on their way. Once he is tired enough, the warlock let himself slide on the floor, back against the wall. He looks around and let out a humourless laugh; his loft is a mess, just like him.


	3. Chapter 3

The walls of the Institute all seem too small and though it’s only an impression, Alec feels the need to retract his wings as much as possible. The Institute had called earlier, the Institute has been attacked and they need ward reinforcement. For anyone else Alec would have fixed an appointment, he hates last minutes work. But Magnus live there, and might has been hurt; it’s not something Alec can deal with. 

Two days has passed but he hadn’t found the strength to talk to the Shadowhunter until the call. And now, there is no turning back and he will not leave this Institute before he explains to Magnus why they can’t possibly be together. But after all, Magnus might already be over him, he may be a warlock but he is easy to forget, he knows it way too well and every words Catarina had said to him doesn’t seem to make sense anymore. He is Alec Lightwood, the boring warlock everyone leaves behind. It’s not even that he is victimizing himself, he just made himself a  reason. Afterall, it has been decades that someone actually stayed and yet again, it was only a friendship story. Alec never can stop the little voice in his head from telling him that he is unlovable.  He inhales deeply to get the thought out of his mind and starts working.

Reinforcing the wards is easy, Alec might make them even more stronger than asked, just to be sure. He wouldn’t want another breach to happen, risking the life of the one he doesn’t want to love. He sighs in content when he’s done but can also feel his heart beating stronger, anxious. He has to find Magnus now, to make him understand, to explain; and this, will not be easy at all. Not wanting to waste time, he asks some random shadowhunter he doesn’t remember the name of and thanks her profusely for telling him. She smiles to him but he doesn’t find the strength to do the same and only give her a nod before leaving her in the hallway.

Alec almost laugh when he arrives in front of Magnus’ door. The only one that is decorated. Of course Magnus would do that, he hates boring, plain stuffs. He nervously stretches his wings, now that he is in front of the door, he isn’t sure anymore that he wants to talk and he is even less sure that he actually can. What if Magnus tells him he already moved on? That he doesn’t want to hear what he has to say? Part of him, the logical part, tells the warlock that it would be good, especially for the shadowhunter but another part of him, the selfish part; doesn’t want Magnus to move on already quite the contrary. It wants Magnus to fight and make him feel loved. Because though he wouldn’t admit it, Magnus’ affection is something he craves. 

He still hasn’t make a decision when the door abruptly opens, letting Catarina appear.

 

“Seriously Magnus, you are infuriating! And if you hadn’t been too busy sulking then maybe you would have seen the demon coming right in  _ front  _ of you sooner!” The woman almost yell, obviously exasperated.

 

She slams the door behind her and Alec thinks that it might be an habit of hers. She lets out an irritated sigh at the door and turns. She almost jumps when she sees Alec. 

 

“You’re here.”

“I was called to reinforce the walls… Is Magnus okay? He wasn’t hurt was he?”

“He  _ was _ .” She says drily and Alec’s heart drops in his stomach. “But it’s only a minor injury. He’ll be fine… Until I kick his ass for being so stupid.”

“Catarina I’m… I’m sorry for last time, when I screamed at you, I shouldn’t have reacted so strongly.” The warlock apologises looking away. “And you were right about one thing: I shall explain him.”

“Alec look, I’m sorry too and you were right too saying I don’t know anything about you. You don’t look like it so I tend to forget but you are so much older than us, bigger than life itself… And I can’t possibly begin to imagine why you are so reluctant but please… Give him a chance…”

 

Alec can’t answer to that so he keeps his eyes on the ground and stays silent. Catarina exhales and pats him on the shoulder before slightly opening Magnus’ door as if she knew Alec might back up from this. He definitely has no choice now. Taking his courage with both hands, he pushes the door.

Magnus is sitting on his bed, putting a bandage on the nasty wound he has on his right leg, grumbling to himself words Alec doesn’t catch.

 

“Hey.” The warlock tries softly startling the shadowhunter. “sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

Magnus looks at him like he is some sort of hallucination before narrowing his eyes.

 

“What do you want?” He asks dryly.

“Let me take care of it.” Alec says gesturing to Magnus’ injury.

“No. It’s fine. What are you doing there?”

“Look, I’m sorry.”

 

Magnus snorts at that. It’s a patently angry and pained snort and it sadden the warlock. It’s all his fault if the shadowhunter is hurting.

 

“Let me heal you and-”

“Can you make me forget about you at the same time?” He asks bitterly.

“No but-”

“Then no.”

“Magnus come on…”

“No! You don’t get to act the way you did and then come back all nice demanding to heal me! It’s not funny, my feelings are not a game Alec!”

“Mag-”

“Shut up!”

“No, you shut up! I didn’t came to heal you I didn’t even know you were hurt! I came to you because I want to explain!”

“Explain what? Why you don’t want me? No thanks I’ll pass.”

“Magnus I don’t… God, I  _ do _ want you. It’s just… I can’t… I can’t Magnus, and I really need you to know that, because you are not the problem you are… By Lilith you are perfect Magnus. But… I can’t have you…”

 

Alec is close now and Magnus finally looks at him, eyes slightly wide and full of emotions. They are the window to a broken heart. And Alec just want to hug him in a tight embrace, to comfort him, to love him… But he can’t. He shouldn’t. He know how it ends.

 

“But why?” Magnus asks not even hiding the tremor in his voice and Alec wants to cry at that.

“You deserve so much better Ma-”

“Don’t you dare choosing what I deserve, it’s something I and only I can do.”

“I’m boring and-”

“You’re not! You are kind and funny and interesting !”

 

The warlock smiles sadly and put his hand on the shadowhunter’s cheek, cupping his chin.

 

“Thank you, but that isn’t the only reason and I wish it was but life isn’t so simple Magnus.”

“Clearly.” The shadowhunter answers bitterly pushing the warlock’s hand away.

“Please, listen.”

“No! You come here giving me the ‘you deserve better speech’ which is bullshit and you tell me you want me but you can’t and I don’t understand! I just don’t Alec! What’s the problem? WHat are you so afraid of?!”

“Heartbreak!” Alec answers, yelling and eyes watering. “I can’t- I won’t survive one more.” He sighs and cut Magnus when he’s about to open his mouth. “because you will leave eventually, they all do.”

“I won’t… Alexander, I won’t. When a shadowhunter fall in love, really in love, it’s for life.”

“For life, and you’re a mortal and you fight demons. For all I know you could die tomorrow doing your job.”

“For all I know, you too could die tomorrow. I know you’re immortal and I also know you’re not indestructible.” 

 

It’s Magnus’ turn to cup Alec’s face as cold tears rolls on the warlocks cheeks. Why is everything so cold with him? When Magnus is so warm… And he can’t help but lean in the shadowhunter’s touch.

 

“I know you might even leave me first and not in death but because I’m a lot to handle. But even if you do, I won’t have any regrets. I will take everything with me, the good and the bad and I will cherish them. And if you don’t, I will be the happiest man on this crazy world and when I die I will die glad that I got to share my life with the wonderful warlock you are. Please, Alec, let me in, don’t push me away, I know you’re scared, I know you don’t want to have your heart broken because you let yourself love but… Aren’t you afraid of regrets as well? Of losing any chance to be happy even for a minute? If I just take a look you and I see sadness but if I  _ see _ you and I only see caged happiness. Please, Alec, give me the keys, free that joy you imprisoned deep in your heart and embrace it. And when it’s gone, just take your memories, the good and the bad and cherish them, just like I would.”

 

Alec let out a sob, because it hurt, it hurt so much, to let his walls fall, to tear them down, to let his heart, his poor bruised heart breath at last. How does he do it? How is Magnus able to destroy what he has carefully built over the years? Alec is scared. He has so much to lose if he lets his feelings win. It will hurt so much more when the happiness is gone. When Magnus is gone. Just like the others. But more than ever he wants it. How did Magnus convinced him to be happy when it could lead him to his downfall? 

 

“Alexander, I might not be able to be with you for eternity but I can be with you for the span of a lifetime.”

“The span of a lifetime?” Alec repeats weakly.

“I promise.” Magnus smiles, gently stroking his cheek, wiping the tears away.

 

The warlock feels his lips twitching upward and before he even realises it, his lips are on Magnus’. And he kisses the shadowhunter desperately, like his life depends on it. He wraps them with his wings when Magnus pulls him closer and the shadowhunter shivers and chuckles in his mouth before breaking the kiss. 

 

“ _ My, my _ , you are going to be a  _ wonder _ this summer.”

 

Alec let out a small laugh before capturing Magnus’ lips again, smiling in the kiss. ‘Maybe,  _ maybe _ Magnus Bane won’t break my heart’, he thinks. And then he feels it. The sensation he had forgotten for decades, the very one his heart never stopped looking for; the feeling of pure  _ bliss _ .  

**Author's Note:**

> kudos are welcome!


End file.
